The Very Best Chocolate Cake

The very best chocolate icing

The writers and editors among us know the importance of an SEO-friendly strong headline and sub-headline (aka ‘hed’ and ‘dek’). Which is why today’s hed and dek is as simple and direct as it is. Chocolate Cake speaks for itself.

This recipe is dedicated to the Empress of Mayonnaise, Ms. E. Jean Carroll, who deserves cake every day until Trump’s deposition (finally) on October 19, in the lawsuit E. Jean brought against him. E. Jean’s crack lawyering team is led by Robbie Kaplan, Esq Ext (“esquire extraordinaire.”).

The Orange Rat Fink is trying to act the average citizen in the Mar-a-Lago documents case and at the same time be President and above-it-all in the Carroll case. Robbie also deserves a cake all to herself for saying it like it is in a CNN article from September 30, 2022:

“To hear Defendant tell it, he acted as an employee of the government in retaliating against Plaintiff for revealing that he had raped her decades earlier, and in declaring that she was too ugly to rape, but he could not possibly have been an employee of the government when he absconded from the White House with national security secrets,” Kaplan wrote.

This cake is also dedicated to all the mayonnaise nay-sayers (aka, mayonnaysayers?) out there (Hello, Joyce Vance!). Mayonnaise was originally used during The Depression and WWII rationing as a substitute for butter and eggs in cake recipes. Now it’s just used by smart bakers to make moist, tender cakes. Not meaning to sound smug here, just encouraging you to try it. There is not a chance anyone will know there is mayo in the cake unless they watch you bake.

A note on the frosting: OMG IT’S SO GOOD AND CREAMY AND I’VE BEEN SEARCHING FOR A GREAT NON-GANACHE FROSTING FOR CAKES FOR SO LONG AND OMG I THINK THIS IS IT AND THAT’S WHY I’M YELLING.

On with the show, people. Get baking:

Chocolate Mayonnaise Cake with Chocolate Frosting.

Makes 1 large 13 x 9-inch sheet cake.

(You can also make it as a layer cake, or cupcakes if so inclined)

What You’ll Need:

For the Cake:

2 cups all-purpose flour*

2/3 cup unsweetened cocoa (I used Ghirardelli, but Guittard’s Rouge Cocoa is my fave)

1 teaspoon baking soda

1/4 teaspoon baking powder

1/2 teaspoon cinnamon

1/4 teaspoon kosher salt

3 large eggs

1 2/3 cups light brown sugar

2 teaspoons vanilla extract

1 cup of mayonnaise (Hellman’s, Duke’s or Kewpie…do not use Miracle Whip, which is gross and isn’t real mayonnaise anyway, plus has onion powder in it, so ew.)

1 1/3 cup hot water with 1 teaspoon espresso powder dissolved in it (alternatively you can use an equivalent amount of hot brewed coffee or just plain hot water)

*I used whole wheat flour!

For the Frosting:

1 cup butter, room temperature and cut into pieces

1 cup cocoa

1 teaspoon vanilla

4 to 5 cups confectioners’ sugar

6 or more tablespoons fresh-brewed coffee OR milk

What You’ll Do:

Make the cake:

1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Grease and flour the inside of the baking pan.

2. In a medium bowl, whisk together the flour, cocoa, baking soda, baking powder, cinnamon and salt until blended.

3. Using a hand- or stand mixer, beat the eggs and sugar for 3 minutes. “Ribbons” of batter should form when you pull the beater up from the mixture.

4. Add the vanilla and the mayonnaise and mix.

5. Add one-third of the flour mixture and beat until just incorporated. Add half of the hot liquid and beat on low until blended. Repeat, alternating flour, hot liquid, flour until just combined. Do not overbeat.

6. Pour the batter into the pan, smooth evenly and bake for 30 minutes until a tester comes out clean. Ovens vary. Start checking around 25 minutes.

7. Let cool completely on a rack.

Make the Frosting:

1. In a large bowl, using a hand- or stand mixer, beat together the butter, cocoa, vanilla, and sugar until blended. It will still look sandy. If you find the sugar is blowing all over the kitchen, cover the bowl with a tea towel or paper towel while mixing.

2. Add 6 tablespoons of the liquid of your choice (I strongly recommend the coffee option) and mix until light and fluffy. Add more liquid if necessary, to make it more spreadable. Set aside until ready to use.

3. When the cake is fully cooled, frost the cake. Use all the icing. Except for whatever you want to keep for yourself to eat quietly while pondering the mysteries of life, such as how Ginni Thomas thinks we’re stupid enough to fall for the “My dear, darling husband and I only ever discuss Scripture and the latest Sudoku from the Washington Times and never-ever my crimes against the state.”

This cake is nice on the first day and better about 12 hours after that.

As I always like to remind you:

ps: this week’s Secret Life of Cookies podcast will be out any minute now and I’ll be sending another substack out shortly with the recipe Major Garrett and David Becker and I made while discussing their new book: The Big Truth .

Your turn.

Tell me in the comments:

• Are you a fan of mayonnaise in cake?

• If Ginni Thomas and her husband don’t talk about what she’s scheming, what do they talk about? Wrong answers only.